Self-worth is an underlying psychological pattern, developed during early years, yet shaping your response to COVID stressors today in 2021. As a society, COVID has brought significant pressures such as remote work, reduced work/income, increased work/pressure, family and relationship stress. These pressures have contributed to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as comfort eating, overeating, alcohol consumption, poor physical activity levels, poor screen-time habits, poor sleep habits, and weight gain. As well as the physical impacts, we are seeing many underlying psychological conditions being triggered. When the core life domains of work, relationships and health are challenged, so too are your underlying self-worth drivers.
Take a moment now to reflect on your own current experience. What have these COVID times revealed about you, your motivations, your priorities, your confidence? How have these times influenced your thoughts about the role work plays in your life? How have the nature of your relationships changed during COVID? What value does health play in your overall happiness? What does financial freedom mean to your self-worth? COVID pressures and challenges have triggered a questioning of the self - an existential evaluation of all things self-worth related.
What exactly is "Self-Worth"? Self-worth refers to a learned sense of value we place on ourselves – ‘what can I get for who I am?’ Through your life experiences, you learn "what you get for who you are". Your particular style of self-worth was likely set for you during your formative teenage years. It is during those impressionable years that you learn what personal qualities ‘get’ the most social acceptance, love and respect. You learnt that your feeling of self-worth is "contingent" on your demonstration of specific traits. For many, COVID has made it very difficult to show value on whatever trait you have banked your contingent self-worth on.
So what has your self-worth become contingent on? Think back to your younger self (potentially 11 to 17 years old). What where you good at? What did you get recognition for? What personal qualities did your family and friends come to love about you? The way you found acceptance in these years, forms a foundation for how you find acceptance in your adult years (particularly 18 to 45 yrs).
Here are 5 of the most common self-worth patterns and the associated "COVID triggered" response:
Style 1: Ability - when you self-worth is contingent on demonstrating an ability
The ‘Ability’ self-worth pattern comes about by being recognised as someone who has above average skills in any particular area. Perhaps you were a smart kid. Or maybe you always excelled in physical strength, speed or fitness. Maybe you had some real creative skills? A good cook. Great social skills. Known to be a deeply ethical person or someone to be relied upon. Perhaps you just always got the results.
Whatever the ability or collection of abilities, a person tends to go on trying to prove that ability into adulthood. They can start to question their self-worth if they get to a point in life where they can’t continue achieving superior ability. Self-worth becomes contingent on maintaining a level of prowess in particular areas of importance. During COVID, how are your achievements being challenged? Is it becoming mentally and physically demanding to keep up the disciplined achievement routines through periods of lockdown, isolation or at times of unrelenting workloads? What we are starting to see is "Ability" self-worth styles are venturing into moderate to severe levels of burnout.
A positive reframe, helpful for the Ability self-worth mindset, is to develop a broader perspective of what achievement looks like in COVID. Where in pre-COVID times it was about persistence and results, in 2021/2022 perhaps redefine "ability" as a more complete view that equally values your coping and resilience abilities alongside your work accomplishments.
Style 2: Appearance - when your self-worth is contingent on looking the part
The ‘Appearance’ self-worth pattern develops from growing up finding value in appearance. That can be physical appearance such as attractiveness, athleticism, body shape. The appearance self-worth pattern can also develop through non-physical appearance motives, for example looking successful, wealthy, looking of a particular social class. The appearance self-worth pattern can also develop through growing up in a family that were often anxious about how others perceived them. The impressionable person learns that one must appear a certain way in life to be considered worthy by others. The common ingredient here is that people with this style of contingent self-worth learn that the way they look can get them advantages in life.
As long as a person can maintain whatever appearance they need for their self-worth, they remain satisfied. All effort therefore goes into maintaining the appearance. What we have seen during COVID times is the appearance self-worth style is being challenged. With a range of personal health and financial freedom challenges, it can be more difficult to maintain the particular appearance of success you crave.
Style 3: Liked - when you self-worth is contingent on being liked and accepted by others
Some people have the need to be ‘Liked’ self-worth pattern. For this pattern there is a very real and ongoing need to gain social approval. This pattern is often developed through being a socially accepted kind of person through teenage years, or at least learning that being socially accepted was one of the most important things in life.
This style values social skills above all. This therefore leaves them to be highly sensitive to the quality of the relationships important to them. Self-worth is contingent on maintaining fulfilling social connectedness. For obvious reasons, social connectedness and acceptance are particularly challenged during COVID restrictions.
Style 4: Authentic - when your self-worth is contingent on being seen is authentic and comfortable with vulnerability
The ‘Authentic’ self-worth pattern values realness and being a down to earth, genuine kind of person. They have learnt to place the most value on being soulful, considerate and a person of great integrity. They don’t stand for bull sh#t or fluff. They don’t need the exuberance. Their strong preference is to continuously be open and authentic at all times.
The authentic self-worth pattern values realness in every aspect, including being vulnerable or being open about life-stresses. This self-worth pattern values the highs as much as the lows in life. COVID times are challenging the authentic self-worth style to be truly real, truly vulnerable in sharing some of their inner most experiences of COVID. This style is triggered when people question their level of authenticity or their personal integrity in the way they describe their current experiences.
Style 5: Make a difference - when your self-worth is contingent on making a meaningful contribution
The ‘Make a Difference’ self-worth pattern is for those who have learnt that making a meaningful difference in this life is the ultimate measure of a person’s value. It’s about contribution. Legacy. The difference they make to others. It’s about living a meaningful life.
This pattern is triggered most when others take away their power to make a difference. For example, during COVID, there can be the feeling of so many limitations and restrictions being placed on individuals, making it feel alomst impossible to have the level of impact that would satisfy this contingent self-worth style. The "Make a difference" contingent self-worth typically does not do well in environments that are overly controlled or monotonous. They need to feel their efforts contribute to a greater good.
So which of the above patterns drive your self-worth? You may find it’s a combination between a couple of the above styles. How have COVID pressures triggered a self-worth evaluation of response in you?
COVID can certainly trigger an internal crisis of self-worth. Ways you have traditionally gained a sense of self-value and acceptance are more difficult now. The good news is there are real opportunity for self-development here. The opportunity for today is to use these times to find a self-worth style that is defined more on your terms - rather then the judgments or evaluations of those around you. This transition naturally occurs for many around the mid-life. COVID has, however, caused an awakening of self-worth motives. An awakening where the self-worth is valued from the inside-out. While transitions in life can feel uncomfortable at the time, on reflection these transitions become the most evolving times of our lives. Enjoy the process of an evolving way to find value in the self.